Gone Away
by icabarburus
Summary: Remus Lupin mourns the passing of Sirius, James and Lily and the betrayal by Peter. One-shot, song fic.


_(A/N - The characters don't belong to me. The song that plays throughout this story is "Gone Away" by The Offspring. It also doesn't belong to me.)_

_Maybe in another life  
__I could find you there  
__Pulled away before your time  
__I can't deal it's so unfair_

It felt wildly inappropriate of me, standing at your memorial site, with this Muggle song going through my head. Not just any Muggle song, but a Muggle song performed by some American Punk band, no less. If you were here, you would be laughing. I can see your amusement at the thought of me listening to this type of music, let alone having it play through my head at this most wildly unsuitable time. I can see the smile at the edges of your eyes at my torment. Especially considering it is me, the most sensible, the most pragmatic of all the Marauders. Not the prankster that either you or James were, or the flustered, uncertain boy that Peter was. Oh, how it hurts to hear his name, when all he has done is to destroy the closest thing I had to family. For that is how I truly thought of you, James, Lily and _him_. You were truly the only people who understood me and accepted me for what I was, for what I am…

I battle to keep myself under control, to keep my outward appearances sombre, but inside I am aching to laugh. Laugh at the idiocy of this situation. I _can't_ be here, mourning for you for a second time. It only feels like yesterday I was cursing you, but mourning for you at the same time. No, you weren't dead that first time, but you were dead to me. I never wanted to see you again. I felt completely betrayed by you and it hurt. Oh, how it hurt. For I thought it was you that had ripped away all that was good in my life, not the person who I later found to be the traitor…

The words playing through my head mock me. For as inappropriate the song is, the lyrics exactly sum up how I feel. My grief comes flooding back and replaces the insane need to laugh. It is so unfair that you, James and Lily were ripped from life before you could show your full potential. Memories flood back to haunt me of our final day at Hogwarts. Mucking around under the willow tree by the lake, the world was ours. Even though we were in the midst of war, it didn't matter on that one day. We sat and laughed about our future, how we would change the world. We left our troubles inside on that glorious, sunny day. We were young and believed we were invincible. How wrong we were…

_And it feels  
__And it feels like  
__Heaven's so far away  
__And it feels  
__Yeah it feels like  
__The world has grown cold  
__Now that you've gone away_

The words continue to play through my head and continue to mock me. I feel so alone, standing here and with you so far away. I can barely recall your smile, your laugh. I don't know that I will ever feel warm again. I don't know that I can smile or laugh or feel content again. I have lost so much of myself, when I lost you. When I lost James. When I lost Lily. When that _rat_ betrayed us. I lost so much of myself; I don't know that I can be whole again.

_Leaving flowers on your grave  
__Show that I still care  
__But black roses and Hail Mary's  
__Can't bring back what's taken from me_

The song still won't leave me alone. Its words taunt me. Whilst I do not leave any flowers, for I knew you'd be horrified at the thought, this daily ritual continues. I don't know that I can stop visiting you. My mind laughs a mocking laugh that almost passes through my lips. Black roses, indeed. How ironic it is that the colour of the roses in this song, that reminds me of you so much, is the name that you hated. The name that you couldn't say without spitting. The name that caused you so much anguish. The name that represented all things evil, all things that you sought to rid the world of. All the things you were confident you would rid the world of. The things that caused your life to end prematurely.

_I reach to the sky  
__And call out your name  
__And if I could trade  
__I would_

The last hints of light fade from the sky and are replaced by an inky blackness. Clouds refuse to form on this crisp evening and the stars come out to haunt me. The full moon used to be the only celestial body that haunted me; I used to enjoy the night sky when the moon could not hurt me. This has changed as I look up at the Dog Star. I try to avert my eyes from it, as it reminds me of you, but I feel drawn to it. I continue to watch it, though it pains me to.

The next line plays through my head, once again mocking me. Oh, if only I could trade places with you. How I ache to change places with one of you. I don't deserve to be the one left behind. What good can I do the world, cursed as I am? I, half human, half terrifying beast, despised by the wizarding community. I, who am useless for several days a month due to my transformation. I feel inadequate that I am the one who has been left. It should have been me that was taken, not you, not James, not Lily. You all were far more worthy than I.

_And it feels  
__And it feels like  
__Heaven's so far away  
__And it stings  
__Yeah it stings now  
__The world is so cold  
__Now that you've gone away_

With those final words playing through my head, I finally find my release. I find release from the emotions that have been bottled up for the past two months. I find release from the emotions that have been bottled up for the past fifteen years. I cry for you. I cry for the entire group of Marauders. I cry for our loss of innocence. I cry for all the lives that have been lost. I cry for the survivors, especially Harry. But most of all, I cry for myself.

I eventually stand up, feeling somewhat light-headed. The outpouring of my emotions has left me feeling somewhat numb, but as I turn away I feel as though things may be all right. I will visit you soon, I promise myself, but I don't know that I will need to visit you tomorrow, as I have needed to visit you every day for the past two months. As I walk away, I feel cleansed as a deep calm comes over me. I feel a glimmer of hope for the future and feel that living is possible, even though you have gone away.


End file.
